General Discussion:

Garden Jokes


Messages posted to thread:

From:Date:Zone:
Gwendolyn23-Mar-01 10:12 PM EST   
The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b23-Mar-01 11:59 PM EST   
The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b24-Mar-01 03:21 AM EST   
The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b24-Mar-01 03:48 AM EST   
Linda24-Mar-01 11:20 AM EST   
The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b25-Mar-01 04:02 AM EST   
The Budding poet.........................Zn 4b25-Mar-01 04:15 AM EST   
The Budding Poet.........................Zn 4b25-Mar-01 04:38 AM EST   
The Budding Poet........................Zn 4b27-Mar-01 01:31 AM EST   
The Budding Poet........................ZN4b30-Mar-01 12:05 AM EST   
The Budding Poet......................Zn 4b31-Mar-01 02:54 AM EST   
The Budding Poet ........................Zn4b06-Apr-01 03:17 AM EST   
The Budding Poet........................Zn4b16-Apr-01 10:40 PM EST   
Connie18-Apr-01 04:35 PM EST   
The Budding Poet...........................Zn4b20-Apr-01 02:19 AM EST   
The Budding Poet21-Apr-01 03:58 AM EST 4b   
The Budding Poet25-Apr-01 02:24 AM EST 4b   
DAVE26-Apr-01 10:49 AM EST 6   
pamela05-May-01 01:03 PM EST   
The Budding Poet21-Sep-01 11:12 AM EST 5a   
Kay21-Sep-01 01:34 PM EST 2   


Subject: Garden Jokes
From: Gwendolyn
Zone:
Date: 23-Mar-01 10:12 PM EST

Our horticultural society is hosting it's first ever garden seminar.

April 28, 2001 in Kindersley, SK for any of you who are within driving distance!

And ... I am the master of ceremonies.

Does any one have any clean gardener jokes? I have been searching the internet and all I seem to find are quotes.

Any help would be appreciated.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 23-Mar-01 11:59 PM EST

Gwen

We take pride in the giant pumpkins,squash and tomatoes we can grow here. In Australia gardeners take great pride in the size of the carrots they can grow. An Aussie master gardener in his rich soil succeeded in growing a fifteen pounder but before he got it to the weigh station at his local horticultural society, it was devoured by a five hundred pound rabbit.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 24-Mar-01 03:21 AM EST

One of our hort societies lovely female members(Would you believe her name was Gwen?) has a beautiful garden but with the weather we had last summer her tomatoes would not ripen. So she came to our club meeting and asked what she could do about it.

One of our favorite members perked up and said, "Well, it may sound daft but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see."

Well, she reckoned it was worth a try and she did it. Next day a member asked her how it worked.

"So-so," Gwen answered. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 24-Mar-01 03:48 AM EST

Last spring after I had drastically pruned the ice storm damaged trees in my orchard, a young Agricultural officer driving by stopped to demonstrate some of the wisdom he had just garnered at school. After viciously criticizing my pruning prowess he told me I probably wouldn't have any apples that year. I told him: "I have to agree with you my son..........Those are Pear trees."


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: Linda
Zone:
Date: 24-Mar-01 11:20 AM EST

This is true but I still lagh at it.

At one of the first clubs plant exchanges "betty" choose a small Mountain Ash and set it down with a number of other items she had picked out to look for some more. The next time she looked around a little old lady was walking down the street with the tree. Neither Betty or I had the nerve to chase this elderly lady down the street and take it away. Betty still comes to our exchanges, now she has a child standing and guarding her pile.

Sometimes one has to fight with their children to eat veg's but i have to fight with the dog to keep him from digging and eating carrots and the apples from the bottom of the tree. She digs or picks them herself. We ignore the bottom apples as they are often licked.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet.........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 25-Mar-01 04:02 AM EST

SENDING FLOWERS (NOTE: This is a supposedly true story).

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."

The owner was very angry, to say the least, and called to complain."Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding poet.........................Zn 4b
Zone:
Date: 25-Mar-01 04:15 AM EST

Here is a joke from the Manotick Hort. Society's Backyard Wildlife Habitat Program.

What did the snail say when she hitched a ride on the back of a turtle. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet.........................Zn 4b
Zone:
Date: 25-Mar-01 04:38 AM EST

On rainy summer days ,the little kid in me loves to get out and muck in the garden with bare feet. One day last summer after mucking around for a couple of hours I jumped in the truck to join some buds for a coffee in Manotick. There in the coffee shop to my chagrin, I was severally chastized by the young waitress for wearing muddy boots. Grinning like a Cheshire cat I replied "What boots?"


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet........................Zn 4b
Zone:
Date: 27-Mar-01 01:31 AM EST

Gwendolyn

I thought this thread would have brought you all sorts of humorous contributions for your endeavour. There are so many wonderful garden nuts in the hort societies in this neck of the woods. It looks like however, there are only a few of us down-to-earth(spongy brained) lowlifes amongst a herd of intellectually elites here. I hope the following is not too pollitically incorrect in Kindersley.

In the heat of the day the neighbors cows love to lie in the refreshing shade of an old sugar maple at the north end of our property. Last summer while working in the back garden I overheard a young heifer ask an old cow if she was worried about this mad cow disease that everybody was talking about. The old cow looked up and replied "Why should I worry? I am a teapot"!!


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet........................ZN4b
Zone:
Date: 30-Mar-01 12:05 AM EST

Sometimes real life is funnier than fiction!! My young granddaughter was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Grampa, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Alison " I replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Grampa?" Alison asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Alison asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

I replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Alison thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our lovely garden!"


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet......................Zn 4b
Zone:
Date: 31-Mar-01 02:54 AM EST

I love to sit in the garden in June at the end of the day and watch the garden come alive with millions of fireflies. One evening I discovered one of these intriguing bugs on the bird bath crying her heart out. When I asked what was her problem, she said she had just had 5000 young ones and none of them were very bright.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet ........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 06-Apr-01 03:17 AM EST

How do we know what was the first flower that Christopher Columbus spotted as he approached the New World. It is reported that he shouted; "Land ....a HOYA".


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 16-Apr-01 10:40 PM EST

When I was tearfully filling a large hole in the garden today an inconsiderate neighbour asked me what was wrong. I sadly explained that my favorite goldfish that had survied several winters in my garden pond had just died. The neighbour replied that it was a mighty big hole for a little goldfish. I retorted that it was that size because it was inside his #@&*# cat.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: Connie
Zone:
Date: 18-Apr-01 04:35 PM EST

My daughter once said to me, "Mom, how can you tell when a person has no friends?" I started giving her a long drawn out explanation of the various signs and behaviors and she interrupted me and replied, "Mom, this is a joke. If you see a person in a grocery store buying zucchini, then you know that this person has no friends."


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet...........................Zn4b
Zone:
Date: 20-Apr-01 02:19 AM EST

Last summer while watering the hanging baskets hung along Main street in Manotick, I noticed one near Lenwood Galleries had a particularily bad infestation of aphids sucking the life forces out of some beautiful Purple Wave Petunias. On one of the leaves was a mother aphid and several hundred of her daily litter. Obviously suffering from post-natal depression she could be heard griping to her young offspring; "Life as an aphid sucks".


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet
Zone: 4b
Date: 21-Apr-01 03:58 AM EST

My cute as a button, three year old grand daughter dropped in the other day and as I showed her around the garden she dropped this one on me. Do you know what happens when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? .............. At Easter, you get hot-cross bunnies.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet
Zone: 4b
Date: 25-Apr-01 02:24 AM EST

Two very elderly flower show judges at our Manotick Horticultural Society were discussing if there were flower shows in heaven. They agreed to make a pact. Whoever died first would try to get back to the other and let them know the answer. Shortly after one passed away and went straight to heaven. A few nights later she contacted her friend back on Earth.

"Mary, Mary, can you hear me . I have good news and bad news. .......... The good news......... There are flower shows in heaven. ......................... The bad news............. You are judging next Wednesday". :)


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: DAVE
Zone: 6
Date: 26-Apr-01 10:49 AM EST

I love puns. This is one I first heard on the CBC a few years ago.

Our next door neighbour, Mrs. Vollick, is a quiet little old lady who has a passion for gardening. Unfortunately, she has little imagination and a lot of shade so her garden is almost all ferns. Tall ferns, short ferns, ostrich ferns, every kind of fern you can imagine. This little old lady is also very stubborn and when anyone gives her suggestions on how to add colour to her garden she yells and screams so that no one ever comes to her house during the gardening season, afraid they may offend her and her bland garden. Last week, our youngest daughter while playing in our backyard, innocently commented that "Wouldn't it be nice if Mrs. Vollick had some colourful flowers in her garden". Well Mrs. Vollick overheard our daughter and said very loudly "With 'fronds' like this who needs 'Anemones'?


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: pamela
Zone:
Date: 05-May-01 01:03 PM EST

This joke comes too late for the master of ceremonies, but my sister just told it to me today and I got a bit of a chuckle so I thought I'd share:

A teenage girl was leaving for a date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother was shocked and told her to get back upstairs and put some decent clothes on before she left the house. "Get with the time, Granny." the teenager said, "These days you've got to let your rosebuds show." And she left on her date.

The next day, the girl walked into the living room and there was granny, sitting in her rocking chair naked from the waist up. The girl was appalled and asked her grandmother to go put a top on before the friends the girl was expecting arrived. The grandmother replied, "If you can show your rosebuds off, there's nothing wrong with me flaunting my hanging baskets."

Happy gardening, all.


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: The Budding Poet
Zone: 5a
Date: 21-Sep-01 11:12 AM EST

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the St. John's Anglican Church, Manotick where our horticultural society's flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did it go?" asked his friend.

"Great!" he said, "I WON FIRST PRIZE FOR THE DRIED ARRANGEMENT CLASS!!!"


Subject: RE: Garden Jokes
From: Kay
Zone: 2
Date: 21-Sep-01 01:34 PM EST

I got several good laughs reading all the jokes. The only one I can think of is the advice my husband should take. "Never plant more than your wife can weed". Last year he planted a huge long row of beets, and did they ever grow! As we harvested them, he commented, "I hope you eat lots of beets". I just looked at him with my mouth open! I don't like beets all that well and he won't even touch them. Well, we ended up finding someone that likes home made beet wine and gave most of them away. That fellow may never be the same!

Kay.


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